Echoes of trance fill my ears. The sweet sounds of Armin van Buuren blast into my brain.
I relate to this music in it's mathematical beauty. It's like a finely tuned machine.
I wish so much I had the mind to create such tunes yet I have tried to no avail.
I feel like I'm floating yet every time a track changes I fall to reality. The sting of a fight still in my mind. The rage I felt when he lifted his arm still strong. Oh how I wish he hit me. For reasons unknown. I wouldn't have hit him back more of nodded my head and left.
I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I just need some one to talk to that understands me. Understands with an unbiased mind. A blank text sheet is a warm welcome.
My life is a rollercoaster these days. The goods are really good where as the bads are worse. It seems to be getting more frantic as if it's coming to a head.
I don't know I just feel as if I don't care anymore. I'm drifting further and further away from everyone else. I feel more distant than ever sitting in the corner of my mind watching as my hands do things and my mouth say things. I feel trapped as I can't think of anything to say anything to help the situation.
I keep my problems to myself because when ever I share anything with anyone they always shove it back in my face when they enevitably become frustrated with me. I don't know how to solve my problems. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm going insane slowly but I don't know if I don't want to or I can't do anything to stop it.
I see it every day slipping away a little bit more. Questioning just a little bit more. Answering myself and moving on. I find challenges to fix yet there seems to be less and less of them these days.
It's becoming harder and harder each day to distinguish whats real and what's not. What's a lie and what's not.
I just don't know anymore.
My dreams have become more intense so much so that I didn't know what was going on when I woke up this morning.
I feel as though it's time to take my medicine again. But so soon it's strange. I've never gotten so distant before so fast. I feel as though if it follows my life that it might keep getting sooner and sooner until I am lost.
I feel on the cusp this time. I've let myself go to far without restraint. I just wish I could find some one like me who has fixed themselves and see if possibly they have any tips.
I just don't know what I should do anymore.
I feel as though incarceration is the answer. I felt safe there. I couldn't hurt anyone.
It just seems whoever I touch. What ever I see. It gets tarnished by my mere presence. I'm not depressed. No no this is different. I'm scared. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to everyone else if I let myself loose.
People ask me to unwrap to let them in. Ha. They don't understand what I am. They assume I am protecting myself from getting hurt. Yeah like they could hurt me. No nono. It's so very much the opposite.
I feel as though I will kill some one if they get inside of my brain.
I'm so jaded. So very jaded. I've deliberately distanced myself so far from my emotions the thread holding them to me is fraying.
I don't know if I regret it or not however it seems to distance others from me as well. I don't know if I mind that or not.
I crave solitude but I wish I could share the serenity I feel alone with others.
I think about taking my life not because I can't stand to live anymore. Not because I'm emo or some crap. I just feel as though I am done. I don't have any goals anymore. I'm just idling in life with no aspirations. I don't want to own a house. I don't want a car. I don't want a career. I don't want anything other than maby my next meal. Though through being homeless I've found that it's only a few moments of putting on the sad puppy face and adding the desperation intonation into my voice to get enough money to get a ramen pack or so.
I'm messed up really bad. Call it what ever you want inside my head is a hell worse than the christians (yes lowercase FUCK your religion) could come up with.
I torment myself to 1000 hellfires when I submit a misspelled word.
Mentally maim myself when I drop something.
I just wish I was normal. I wish I could just be truly happy. Wear a real involuntary smile. Cry and be sad. I wish I was real not some halloween mask wearing faggot.
I wish I could change or that people could change and understand that there actually are people in this world that don't feel. People that have no emotional attachment to anything.
I would feel the same if my dog was just run over by the car that crashed into my house and killed my family as I would if I lost a dollar.
I'm broken and people come to me and say that they are. They expect me to hold their hand through their issues. What do you think I can do? Here. Lemme' get my magic wand out and this magic little capsule. Take this before you go to bed and look in the mirror and say fixed 3 times. *bop on the head with wand* person fixed. Everyone happy.
I feel as though I'm ready for the afterlife or end of life. Yet I feel as though my emotional break through is tomorrow. Who can tell. It always feels like it is yet it never comes.