Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Bucky's LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Tuesday, January 19th, 2010
4:11 am	Been a while So after a shitty breakup with a shitty person I'm back with my parents. I'm getting a real job within the next few weeks so bai bai KGB_ thanks for reminding me how many retarded people there were in the world. Nothing much really going on.. Lots of people constantly want to hang out with me.. I woke up today at 11am and already had 13 missed calls.. I don't know how to explain to these people that I'm not exactly a social person. I don't like to chill every day every minute.. It's draining to me. Anyway. If anyone who I haven't been able to hang out with due to being locked in a closet because of an over-possessive person feel free to send me an IM or an email and we can see what happens. Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: George Acosta - Pure Thrust (NU NRG Remix) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 5th, 2010
7:34 am	shit sucks need cuddles (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, December 11th, 2009
10:04 am	For those of you who don't know. My dog of 13 years passed yesterday. I have to dig his grave today. I'm including the lower half of this letter in a bottle next to his body. It's hard to explain how my dog effected my life really. It's kind of one of those you should have been there things. All I can really do is give some type of record on how amazing this dog was to me. I remember when we first saw Luke. He had a little sage colored string around his neck so he could be told apart from his brothers and sisters. He was a rescue dog in a litter of about 10. I don't remember to many of the other dogs names but a few of Luke's friends stand out. First Kong. He was a more shaggy coat than Luke, Also a bit bigger than him. Then the runt who I belive was named dilly. Then his favorite brother was most obviously Coletrain. Coletrain was a more yellow coated lab and Luke and him used to play together alot in their pen. We actually kept in contact with the owner of Coletrain for a couple of years. Christmas cards and all that. I remember when he was a puppy he had the most killer worm infections. So much so that his poop was nothing but worms. It was pretty gross to tell you the truth but I'm just trying to explain that I've known this dog since I could hold him in my hand and he was smaller than my hand. Now most of my memories of Luke have no real time line. As I was just as young as he was during most of them. One of the first memories I have of Luke was me being able to show off how bad ass he was to all my friends. Luke would do everything you told him no matter what. I was I guess in middle school or just starting and I can remember taking him around after school with me. There was no limit to his energy he would run around the hollow park and then just come and hang out. I remember his tail had a bit of a spin at the end of it. Like his fur was twisted. We called it the firecracker tail. Luke and I used to play alot, Roll around and fight and such. Kind of like another dog would I guess. It's hard to type it really. I can't really say anything other than Luke raised me. He's been with me through out my entire life. Through the thick and thin I've always had my dog. Never judging never hurting. I talked to him when I was feeling down and at times he was the only thing that kept me home. It's really hard to believe he's really gone. He just seemed like such a solid part of my life yet I have to dig his grave. I remember times when we would take him out for walks in Flanders nature center. He would take off in the woods and we wouldn't see him for an hour or so. Suddenly he would come crashing through the woods tongue hanging out of his mouth and damn near touching the ground. He wouldn't really do much besides lay down and drink some water and rest for about 10 minutes. Then he would be off again. I can't really put in words all the fleeting memories I have of this dog. I just want who ever finds this to know. He was loved. I feel as if one of my brothers died last night. I just hope he knows how much he changed my life and how much I loved him. He will always be in my heart. I love you Luke. I always will. Current Mood: Lost. Current Music: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u8nQa1cJyX8 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 24th, 2009
9:53 pm	Echoes of trance fill my ears. The sweet sounds of Armin van Buuren blast into my brain. I relate to this music in it's mathematical beauty. It's like a finely tuned machine. I wish so much I had the mind to create such tunes yet I have tried to no avail. I feel like I'm floating yet every time a track changes I fall to reality. The sting of a fight still in my mind. The rage I felt when he lifted his arm still strong. Oh how I wish he hit me. For reasons unknown. I wouldn't have hit him back more of nodded my head and left. I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess I just need some one to talk to that understands me. Understands with an unbiased mind. A blank text sheet is a warm welcome. My life is a rollercoaster these days. The goods are really good where as the bads are worse. It seems to be getting more frantic as if it's coming to a head. I don't know I just feel as if I don't care anymore. I'm drifting further and further away from everyone else. I feel more distant than ever sitting in the corner of my mind watching as my hands do things and my mouth say things. I feel trapped as I can't think of anything to say anything to help the situation. I keep my problems to myself because when ever I share anything with anyone they always shove it back in my face when they enevitably become frustrated with me. I don't know how to solve my problems. I don't know what to do anymore. I know I'm going insane slowly but I don't know if I don't want to or I can't do anything to stop it. I see it every day slipping away a little bit more. Questioning just a little bit more. Answering myself and moving on. I find challenges to fix yet there seems to be less and less of them these days. It's becoming harder and harder each day to distinguish whats real and what's not. What's a lie and what's not. I just don't know anymore. My dreams have become more intense so much so that I didn't know what was going on when I woke up this morning. I feel as though it's time to take my medicine again. But so soon it's strange. I've never gotten so distant before so fast. I feel as though if it follows my life that it might keep getting sooner and sooner until I am lost. I feel on the cusp this time. I've let myself go to far without restraint. I just wish I could find some one like me who has fixed themselves and see if possibly they have any tips. I just don't know what I should do anymore. I feel as though incarceration is the answer. I felt safe there. I couldn't hurt anyone. It just seems whoever I touch. What ever I see. It gets tarnished by my mere presence. I'm not depressed. No no this is different. I'm scared. I'm afraid of what's going to happen to everyone else if I let myself loose. People ask me to unwrap to let them in. Ha. They don't understand what I am. They assume I am protecting myself from getting hurt. Yeah like they could hurt me. No nono. It's so very much the opposite. I feel as though I will kill some one if they get inside of my brain. I'm so jaded. So very jaded. I've deliberately distanced myself so far from my emotions the thread holding them to me is fraying. I don't know if I regret it or not however it seems to distance others from me as well. I don't know if I mind that or not. I crave solitude but I wish I could share the serenity I feel alone with others. I think about taking my life not because I can't stand to live anymore. Not because I'm emo or some crap. I just feel as though I am done. I don't have any goals anymore. I'm just idling in life with no aspirations. I don't want to own a house. I don't want a car. I don't want a career. I don't want anything other than maby my next meal. Though through being homeless I've found that it's only a few moments of putting on the sad puppy face and adding the desperation intonation into my voice to get enough money to get a ramen pack or so. I'm messed up really bad. Call it what ever you want inside my head is a hell worse than the christians (yes lowercase FUCK your religion) could come up with. I torment myself to 1000 hellfires when I submit a misspelled word. Mentally maim myself when I drop something. I just wish I was normal. I wish I could just be truly happy. Wear a real involuntary smile. Cry and be sad. I wish I was real not some halloween mask wearing faggot. I wish I could change or that people could change and understand that there actually are people in this world that don't feel. People that have no emotional attachment to anything. I would feel the same if my dog was just run over by the car that crashed into my house and killed my family as I would if I lost a dollar. I'm broken and people come to me and say that they are. They expect me to hold their hand through their issues. What do you think I can do? Here. Lemme' get my magic wand out and this magic little capsule. Take this before you go to bed and look in the mirror and say fixed 3 times. *bop on the head with wand* person fixed. Everyone happy. I feel as though I'm ready for the afterlife or end of life. Yet I feel as though my emotional break through is tomorrow. Who can tell. It always feels like it is yet it never comes. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 12th, 2009
11:24 am	Derek Jeter Okay so some of you guys know I'm kinda sorta into baseball and my favorite team is the New York Yankees. I went to a game with my father and brother last night. It was my brothers 20th birthday. I witnessed Derek Jeter beat a record that has stood for 70 years. 70 Years. He beat Lou Gherigs all time hits record and still has a good long time to go. Now I'm not the most avid fan of wither baseball nor the Yankees although I have been to many games. Just the incredible physical prowess that this guy has and the fact that unlike every athlete in any game now he took beating a record that could possibly stay for another 70 years with a calm smile on his face, a shrug and the comment "It was just another game" This impressed me more than I can really say. He stayed on base he didn't go bananas hooting and hollering. He did a little arm pump go me thing and then let his teammates surround him with praise. I would just like to say that I have a new found appreciation for the player because i didn't know some one could be so humble. I'm impressed and I just wished to share it with my friends. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, August 28th, 2009
11:18 pm	Yeah kinda update. Hung out with scourge. Fun times. Been about 2 years since I've seen him so it was pretty cool if not awkward. Life seems to have steadied out to say the least my emotions are more in control but they seem to be leveling out at a overall jaded feeling. So theres been a few things I've noticed lately. By not being online as much, through instant messenger programs anyway. I learn that well.. Alot of people like me. Too much. I mean these aren't your normal every day stalker types.. It just seems like people kinda say things that seem pretty weird. I'm not used to people missing me. I'm not to used to people wondering about my safety. It's an alien feeling when some one says that they have prayed every night hoping I was safe. What do you say to that. I don't belive in prayer to much as it is. Just to have some one say that every morning and every day that you took up a good 50% of their concentration for a few minutes.. I'ts pretty overwhelming when you don't feel to much of a connection to that person. So I ask. When do you start feeling close to your online friends. What makes an online friend, some one you have never met, affect your life so much? At what point in an online relationship be it friend or other, do you begin to feel that attached to some one you don't even know exists? It's strange to me I guess. (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 20th, 2009
11:05 am	So yeah.. I'm going to start updating a page with WEP passwords on that whole free internet for all. I'm got the WEP and WPA encryption cracking down to a science now.. With injecting packets using a USB wifi card and then checking them with the internal. So yeah. Derby public library's highspeed wireless key is. 3535676789 Not very secure only took about 10 minutes to decrypt and it's WEP. I say decrypt because it's not hacking. What you can do... not what I do.. Is setup a computer to monitor a certain channel and a certain mac address. The best results come from looking at traffic going to the router as opposed to coming from the router.. The reason why it's not hacking is because all your doing is collecting data freely accessible to anyone.. it's the same thing as sitting outside of a bakery and smelling the scents coming from it. Thats actualy what I'm doing right now among other things. I'm using a passive mode to collect their packets. If you use airopeek airocrack_nv or any simmaler programs.. Don't be discouraged.. it can take upwards of 10-11 hours of collecting data in passive mode. Now what you can do is find a packet using wireshark or some program like that. capture apacked.. one of theirs not create your own and sendd it back into the network. so remember what your doing is just relaying the same information that was freely availible.. Not illigal.. There are other more direct ways of getting in but their legality is kind of in a grey area and Id rather not get caught using them. (Comment on this)
Monday, August 17th, 2009
3:09 am	A year. (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, August 8th, 2009
3:02 am	sigh edited twice to add exasperated I dunno coming to a year. I don't know anymore. I make money kinda it goes to rent internet its really nothing i owe NJ/quentin 4655 i'm in arrears 275 I have no money to spend on it i ray rent and my share of utilitys (i only really use internet these days) or i go away homeless kinda again. I guess i could go to mommy again.. I don't feel welcome there anyway. I go for a visit. My father bought a new thunder bird a neeman marcus edition one of like 200 in the world he said it's from the money he saved because I was gone even though i know it's a lie it still hurts my brothers friends look at me like I'm a dissease. They destroyed my room and my things for their own drug crazed twisted humor. It's been a year now and right as it seems to be a year I may be going back because I have either the choice of paying something while i'm trying to save for a bankrupsy lawer.. pennies i have. well 27$ but it's all i've been able to spend as My roomates ate my 200$ of foodstamps. I dunno anymore.. If I ask him, Explain my story, explane whats going on in my life. Appologise. Admit everything that hasen't been said. would he help me? he makes enough money. He said it's not about the money in one of his posts. I don't know anymore. I live off ramen.. I do what ever i can to make money short of those things I used to do. It's bad.. Some how. Some how through all of this. I pass bi weekly urinalisise (piss tests) And the only thing, to be honest. was a hit off of a bowl of weed from my brother. My probation officer as well as the support group I go to know about it. I stopped myself and caught myself.. I havent touched drugs since rehab.. It's a long story but essentialy i was forced to inhale heroin because I saw something I shouldn't have. I don't count that as breaking and I never failed a pisstest.. i did do some drugs in jail however What do i do.. I just.. I don't know anymore. really Current Mood: Exasperated Current Music: guess (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, July 17th, 2009
5:31 pm	I dunno if it's me or what but My life doesn't really seem to have any meaning. I have to claim bankruptcy or go to jail.. So i'm picking the obvious choice.. I owe 35,000 to danbury hospital for that whole prostate thing.. tal i'm sure you remember that night. another 15000 for doctor visits for that paid to a separate collection agency 12000 to radio shack 3000 to a credit card. 65000 yeah I have to put 60% down or pay in increments of 13% ever month If any of you have firefox and I'm sure most of you do you can see that (enter it in the google search bar) 13 percent a month is 8450 and 60% is 39,000 bankruptcy seems the only answer.. comments? Current Mood: scared (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, July 5th, 2009
3:43 pm	I'm half alive I drift aimlessly around the state talking to people and listening to their storys. I have a shelve of journals now with peoples story's in them. Things that people wouldn't even remember what they told me. It started as something to rescue my memory, something I did in my home tow. Then it got interesting. I talked to a world war 2 veteran, He cried on my shoulder. To have a 80 year old man that has been through one of the toughest things a human could have gone through, cry's on my shoulder because he has never told his story before. So i keep doing it. I walk up to older people relaxing watching what appears to be nothing. Sit down next to them and talk with them. Later I write everything down. It feels like what I'm doing is important. These are peoples lives and they have no documentation. Amazing stories just ready to float away on the breeze. I shall continue. ps: still drug free Current Mood: accomplished (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 14th, 2009
7:02 pm	Nuff said [18:56] sexywolf: how acoime no one kisses me [18:57] Advance: Because your easy.... Some one named "sexywolf" means you take it up the ass on the first date [18:59] sexywolf: fuck why can it change it it to something cute and innocent so peope will wanna yiff me (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 5th, 2009
9:34 pm	So tonight I had a nervus breakdown... First of shit's scary.. You have no control over what you are doing and everything you try just makes it worse. Secondly... Repressing feelings into that deep pit in your stomach isn't good.. Things are finnaly starting to hit home about the situation I got myself in.. I can't get a well paying job for the rest of my life.. I've become a lie.. I have no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.. Just things are not going well. I thought recently about why I post to live journal still.. I don't know.. It's more where I can pour out what the hell is going on in my life and I can't verbalize.. Oh btw DVORAK is the keyboard layout that god uses.. FYI.. It's just so much easyer to type my feelings than say them.. I just get that wave of nausea instead of puking.. I feel like life is hopeless instead of breaking down and crying.. I really don't mean to be emo I understand that all of this shit is my own fault.. I know I dug my grave and now I need to lie in it. I just really need a shoulder to cry on these days.. I have acquaintances but they really aren't what I need.. I need for lack of better words Some one to love me unconditionally. I feel like my life is just some spiral.. Like th e old school XBOX visualization.. I feel like I'm going down with small peaks here and there. Just out of control.. I'm obviously not wanted in my parents house but theres nothing to do I have no where to go and have to have a legal residence or else.. otherwise I would have already been in cali. Just said fuck this shit and moved out there. I dunno.. I really think I fucked up a huge friendship with my penis again.. I shouldn't have slept with her.. I really wanted to and so did she to me. No matter what I try to maintain i always fuck it up... I don't know what to do anymore.. Sex doesn't even give me pleasure anymore.. I havn't pawed off by myself for a long time.. I don't know.. It's bad.. I just feel myself getting deeper and deeper into depression.. I can't get a phych-eval until june 2nd Seriously.. A fucking month.. I've called all kinds of therapists but with state insurance it's only so much I can do.. I haven't really talked to anyone in a very long time.. I'm afraid to do it.. I don't think I will be able to come back from it.. I seriously just need some one to be with.. I have a date on thursday that I hope will bring me back up.. I just don't know anymore.. every one always gives me tips and things but I just feel like they haven't the slightest Idea what i'm going though. I don't know.. I really don't know. (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 26th, 2009
8:02 pm	Your arms So I'm listening to pandora radio.. A song comes on that I haven't heard in a while.. Something you played for me on a cd... It is a song that you know twangs strings on my heart, one of the songs that 100% remind me of you. Honestly this song brings back memorys that are so strong my eyes tear when your not around when I hear it. I really do miss you and I feel like shit because of what I put you through and your going through right now however I'm still not ready.. I don't know what it is, as much as I feel for you I'm not ready weather it's I am afraid to hurt you again or I really am not ready I don't know. Something about all of our times together and all of them to come I feel like their the best moments of my life.. You were the single driving thought when I was incarcerated and in rehab.. I will say that I have slipped here and there but I'm trying to stay true so I can be stable to attract you.. When i tell you what I'm doing for jobs you tell me it's good that I have the gumption to keep at it when in fact that motivation is you. I want to get my car fixed and have enough money so I can take you out.. God you deserve it You've spent hundreds on me without even batting an eye.. I'm telling you I will pay you back as much as I can in good times and buy you dinners for the rest of your life if I can.. What I would do for you the world knows no bounds. You've accepted my apology thousands of times but it's not enough for me. The pain I see you going through now because of that crazy fool is how I see what I've done to you.. Something words cannot fix. I have to show you and to be honest your the first person I have ever tried to impress with my actions. I just wish I could take back time... Just to live with you again and fix things.. To know what a fool I was being when I did those things.. IT HURTS but all I can remember when I see you and hear this is the good times... I love you. Current Mood: determined Current Music: Here (In your arms) [Club Mix] {Ultra Weekend 3} (Comment on this)
Saturday, April 25th, 2009
4:51 pm	meh weird shit Okay I had a dream last night that was extremely interesting for some reason. All I can really remember is as follows it is in chronological order as I remembered it. First. I was helping this, well he seemed retarded, Kid do something with his computer and he had a HUGE screen but directly behind him if he was facing the computer screen there was an equally huge tv screen.. I remember some where playing.. maby through the whole dream.. The sound of silence by simon and garfunkle Now the thing that has really stuck with me was this red haired woman.. She was about my age and smaller in size and hight as if she was younger than me. She was beautiful funny and I think she did some magic or some thing. The last part I remember was I was giving her a massage and she had a fine sparse dusting of silky short hair covering her back.. like back hair but i mean it was really sparse on her skin. It kinda looked like she had a dusting of translucent red paint on her skin. And freckles she was covered in them.. I felt a very strong connection to her as if we had had sex or were going to or were in some type of relation ship where sex was involved.. I loved her I believe it's called but I dunno. I can still call up her face in my mind. I dunno I just wanted to write this down so I wouldn't forget it.. It was definitely one of those dreams where I'm very pissed I woke up. Open for anyone to anylize. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, April 21st, 2009
1:27 pm	New name. Exiting the Stigma. I think I've decided on my new name. Advance. It kinda means some things to me but mainly it helps me escape the stigma of Bucky. I plan on staying the same species.. WHy change that bunnys are still fucking hot... Anyway. Advance really would be helpful and mean more to me. Like what I'm trying to do in life. Go forward away from the shit I caused myself.. BTW I plan on going to a con to deal with shit.. Dunno what one though.. Have to talk to the con head see if they will allow me to come.. Current Mood: accomplished Current Music: DCX-Flying High (Comment on this)
Wednesday, April 8th, 2009
12:26 am	So today I was kicked out of a outpatient rehab because there was a legitimate debate on whether or not Marijuana should be legalized. I have looked at figures and figured a few things out before hand. I have also attended every one of Connecticut NORML rally's for decriminalization. So by winning the debate single handedly by countering every reason why it shouldn't be legalized with facts and reasonable counters. So because I won a debate for something I belive will take our country out of economic depression I am not following my "program" So now I may be violated on probation and shit because I stood up for what I belive in instead of bowing to the powers of a drug counsellor? Fuck it. I'm just not going to say anything for a while. see where that takes me. I bought a shit load of dye your mouth blue candys so I will remember not to talk. I just don't know anymore. I don't know what the fuck to do with my life. This isn't emo shit this is like real. I have no dreams anymore I really just don't know. every thing I wanted to do with myself in life can't happen anymore because of what I did. So what now? I really like just want to die.. Not kill myself die.. What else is there for me to do in life. I don't contribute anything to the greater good OBVIOUSLY. I just don't know. I mean how much impact would I have if I died tonight. A whole new wanted poster only a shit load of clapping hands? another paragraph on ED? My mom shed a few tears? My brother maby staying sober for a day? What? People online say "Oh I would miss you" FUCK YOU no you wouldn't your life would not be affected either way. ANyway fuck it. There really is nothing I can do about anything. I'm jus in it for the ride now I guess. (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 3rd, 2009
10:07 am	Well It's been a while since I posted just a bit of an update. I'm now attending the St Mary's Joseph Centre for rehabilitation. It's a 4 week thing gotta go 12-3 every day. I just got done applying for it. I'm still looking for a job as hard as I can.. It's really hard to get one with felony's I've seen. I'm now using Linux and well i ahve to say it's a very fun operating system.. Compiling everything I want to do is wel It's fun. I've been drug free for a while now no real yearning to go and get high... I have however gotten drunk as sin a few times. I've been going out with a friend lately just dinner or lunch and a sleep over and I do have to say it is alot of fun. We went to chili's last time and it was something else. My first time to the restaurant and I will recommend the blackberry iced tea to anyone.. I think I drank like 5 cups plus a to go mug.. Thank god for bottomless drinks. Anyway nothing much going on in my life.. very boring.. (Comment on this)
Friday, March 13th, 2009
5:22 pm	Yeah I'm home. Nothing much going on just hangin out. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 27th, 2009
9:59 am	Well It's been a long time since I posted. I'm looking for a real honest to god job now. Not to sure where I can find one. I am willing to pretty much do anything. I'm still in the rehab but I can get a job some where on the bus line or if I can get a ride. My birthday is coming up.. Meh it sucks. Happy birthday to you Tal yours is a day before mine no bunny birthday bash again this year. I"m really just feh these days nothing much going on I want to get on with my life but it's hard I can't leve this place for at least another 2 months. Gah it's just difficult. Anyway just touching base with people that want to know. (3 Comments |Comment on this)